Tag Archives: musings about a life

Things that make you Cry and Laugh at the same time

One thing is life for sure.

I hope your life is funny, sunny, bitter and sweet at the same time. That’s a life worth living.

But other than Life, there are moments littered in our every day that possess the same powerful effect, that could make you laugh and cry at the same time:

A Good Read. A book that speaks to you through its volumes of a past experience, a deep ache within. Or maybe one that offers a window to someone else’s life, a life so helpless and fragile, and yet you could not reach out to help in any way. You laugh because you can imagine its simple sweetness, and you cry for all the unfairness suffered.

A Decade-old Photo. When you see your smooth, oval face and the spotless laugh that knew no troubles; oh how you hate and love at the same time! Love for the moment you had, and hate that it is long over. Pleaseeee get over the bitterness and be grateful that you were enriched by such beautiful experiences! (:

A Cup of Coffee. You could be having it alone, or perhaps as a friendly brew with an old acquaintance; anyhow, caffeine is a great brain stimulant, and at times it could work just as well even for the tear ducts! Say if you were sharing a private joke (even just to yourself) and you burnt your tongue while chuckling quietly.

Very likely.

An Unwilling Lesson Learnt. That was what happened to me today. I was bringing my parents out for a day trip, our usual food-hunt, and I envisioned a relaxing stroll after a delicious meal.

To my own grievous fault (heh), it became a stressful roundabout walk, long hours of getting lost, and a set of tired and grumpy parents, carrying two pairs of feet that were more tired and grumpy than anything ):

It was really my fault. Not only did I walk too fast, I was way too impatient in finding my way around, indecisive about what to do, and too stubborn to take any advice.

You know I thought I changed! I used to be a panicky drowning-duck-in-the-pond type of person, and I really, really thought I shook that off already. I thought that I have learnt to carry myself in a confident, relaxed way. I was so wrong! I am still the worried little girl trying so hard to prove myself. 

After all these years, I am still the same in so many ways. What a downer.

I guess one improvement is that I don’t sulk out loud and pretend nothing’s wrong anymore. I shed a few quiet tears, and as I thought back about the frantic walking we did, I actually managed to laugh out. AT myself.

There you go, crying and laughing at the same time!

How could I be so wrong, thinking that I’m all good and grown now. How you surprise me, oh G.

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The longer I run

I have grown to like running again! It is a feeling that was long lost to me.

Back in 2010 I used to really run quite a lot. LOL it scares me that the mention of years of the new millennium actually sounds like old news. (WHAT KIND OF AGE ARE WE LIVING IN? An age that ages too fast, me thinks.)

I could do 10 at a whim, and I was hooked to the thrill of breathlessness. I wasn’t crazy fast, but I wasn’t slow, I was damn tired, but I so loved it. I loved the feel of my carbs burning away (I’ll admit as much!) and I loved the scream in my legs, because back then I needed to feel intensely before I could recognise my worth. If it doesn’t hurt I wasn’t doing enough.

And of course it didn’t last long, this act of living life half-alive. Soon I was getting too comfortable with myself all over again, and those memories of “die running” no longer attracted me. In fact it sent shivers down my spine!

But now I am back! And it feels so good to be sane and motivated at the same time. I think I am really, really rickety and old now, but I no longer need to proof a point. Sure I run to lose weight, but also because I want to be healthy and feel alive. I want to live at the tip of my toes! So I run.

I ran and as I did, I shed all troubles of the day, the what ifs and what nots. I ran as fast as I would like, without worrying how much there was to go before I could stop, without thinking if I have arrived.

Right now what mattered most was being present. So just bring one leg forward,

and the other,

and you go!

P.S. This is a random incident that happened after the run. I title it THE TEXTURE OF SIN: I promise I didn’t feel like eating anything at all. But it turns out it was a futile promise :\ if not for the retainers, I would have sunk my front teeth right into the heart of the creamy, yummy brown cube. Chocolates are defenseless against my enamel prison!! And it all came about from just one touch. A tentative finger prodding the smooth, mahogany surface of the chocolate dome. A touch can kill. A touch can move waves of desireeeee…!

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A strange feeling we have met before.

I was standing at the junction listlessly  fiddling my phone when I noticed a strange, broad hand waving in my face. Not thinking anything at all I looked up and saw – Dass! He was back from London!

I know it is very strange, but I couldn’t say how glad I was to see him. Of course I didn’t know that feeling inside me was gladness at first. I said a surprised “hey!” and started removing my ear piece, and rolling them together neatly. I looked at him and asked him where did he come from, while he asked me if I just got off the train at the same time. The best way to start a conversation was by asking mundane questions.

He had small, bleary eyes, and I could tell he needed sleep badly, or is it is old problem coming back again? I felt like his caretaker thinking about such everyday things! He replied that he just got off the bus, and that he was at the learning centre. I asked him when did he arrive in Singapore, he said on the First, and yes he brought his wife and daughter back home as well. I asked about his house in London, and his place in Khatib, if it was empty. A friend stays there now, he said.

The green man flashed, and we started crossing the road. I said he looked thinner, which pleased him and he asked skeptically if it was true. Ok not tremendously thinner like I envisioned when Patty said so, but yes slightly slimmer. (OK but he was actually much slimmer when he first joined, ha!) He said he took a nap on the bus, and was still trying to adjust to local time. I asked if he took a longer nap during the lesson. He said he was at the verge of giving up towards the end of the class, and that others who just came back from the US didn’t fare any better.

We were standing and talking like that for a while at the corner of the crossing, and I waited for his green man with him. When the green man started walking, I waved goodbye to him, and we said we would see each other in the office again on Friday.

I know it was really stupid, but I couldn’t help smiling to myself as I walked the rest of the way home. Dass is back! Maybe I didn’t realize it but I do miss my boss. My nit-picking-micro-controlling-impatient-silly-laugh-introverted-intelligent boss.

But maybe it is because he has yet answered an important question, therefore seeing him makes me feel glad that some sort of an answer was near?

Whatever, I was glad to see him. Happy actually. Happy that he was doing well, that his family seemed well and good.

It is a strange yet wonderful feeling, to see an old friend face to face, in times unexpected.

What a way to start a week! : D

xoxo, G

P.S. strange things happened. The wind was really huge yesterday morning when I went out for yoga class; it sent the dry, yellow leaves flying in the air. A man on a bicycle moving towards me had a shocked expression on his face when a leaf dropped into his front basket which almost made me laugh. He was such a lucky guy! I have tried so hard on so many occasions to catch falling leaves, they say it is good luck, but I never did. And lo’behold, one lone leaf simply floated into his basket! He is going to have a good year, surely!

P.P.S I remembered that something strange happened today as well, but I can’t remember what. I love remembering whimsical stories, I would tell myself to note that and write it down when I get the chance, but most of the time I didn’t. I hope secretly inside I have stashed these stories in a safe corner, and one day they can come to me again, and I shall review them at leisure.

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GJB: Girls Jump Boracay/ 3rd Letter from a Filipina Island

BORACAY, 21DEC — I didn’t say much on the previous day, and the second half of today, because we basically spent it doing nothing at the beach. It wasn’t so bad, just that I am a fidgety thing and can’t sit still in the hot hot sun for long! Sweaty plastic chairs and me don’t go together. I went into the water a lot; it was really, really clear! I could see schools of fishes swimming about. I could see all the way to the sandy sea bed, which makes beautiful wave patterns. The water was so cooling that it freshens anyone up instantly!

But the most brilliant part of the day is definitely from 5pm onwards. I could not describe how beautiful the sunsets were. It was gold, red, purple, orange and blue at the same time. And each sunset is different. Yesterday it was a rich lustrous purple that filled the sky.

But today, I think the sunset is much more beautiful. It could be because of the two cute little girls playing sand by the shore that makes the beach scene much more picture perfect, it could be because we had the best seat in the house for a full-blown sunset view, or it could simply be because it just was.

  

The sunset today was orange. A burning, fierce orange gold, with a tinge of flaming pink at the edge. The curious thing was that a slash of blue-green penetrated the sky right where it should have been the deepest orange. The shocking blend created what I called a paddle pop effect: creamy, orange, purple, gold, gold, orange, orange, ORANGE SKY.

My goodness. After Boracay I see that there are so many more sunsets I have to catch in this lifetime, in different parts of the world. Thank you God for this beauty.

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GJB: Girls Jump Boracay/ 2nd Letter from a Filipina Island

BORACAY, 21DEC — We did horse-back riding! It is the last full day we will spend in Boracay, so we signed ourselves up for som galloping fun in the morning. I am half-sad that we were not canoeing in the jungle, half-sad we were not headed for Ariel Point for cliff jumping, half-sad that we did not zorb down a steep hill into the sea, and half-sad we couldn’t do some last bit of snorkeling ):

But cantering on horses is fun too! We were at fairway banks, and two very beautiful pony awaited us at the lobby entrance. Jo & I couldn’t decide who should choose the horse first, so I did, and I picked the velvety black one, Black Jones. he was a spritely one! He loved cantering on fast pace, and is extremely obedient to every command. it was very easy to guide and lead him, to make him run and to ask him to stop. I’m not sure why but I wasn’t scared at all!

it was a scenic golf course route we took, the beautiful view included the sea, rolling greens and lovely picket fences.

My favourite part was at the private beach in fairways. Black Jones galloped across the beach! I love the feel of the smooth rhythm of his body rising and falling, and I was just flowing along. I loved to touch his smooth and clean fur (: And rub his hair (: and tease his ears (: Juan my guide says that he eats carrots and grass and sleeps a lot every day. Black Jones is only 13 years old! Such a pretty pony. It was a special feeling, connecting to the beast that is so beautiful and yet so strong. It was an experience i didn’t think I would get from my Boracay holiday!

Filipinas in Boracay can sell you anything.

 

In mornings: “island hopping, ma’am?”

When you are walking along the beach: “shades, ma’am?”

When you are wearing shades: “hat ma’am?”

When you are wearing a hat: “braid hair, ma’am? Massage ma’am? manicure ma’am?”

In the late afternoon: “sunset sailing ma’am?”

Nighttime: “tomorrow island hopping ma’am?”

 

MY GOODNESS! lols. (:

 

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The Agony of a Patience Wearing Thin

Slippers. It is truly agnosing to wear thing slippers and pad around cold, hard floors, but right now I can easily think of something that is much more agonising.

Waiting.

And not just waiting for anything, but specifically waiting for a

Possibilty.

And not just the possibility of anything, but of the important

Future.

So I try to be Patience in slippers, and I try not to pace around so much on the cold hard floor.

I shall go about meddling with daily duties that cry for my attention, and I shall not cast my thoughts too far away from the present.

I will stay here and trust that I will get what is mine to get in good time. It is never my time but yours to come, not my will but yours be done.

In the meantime, I’ll get a drink.

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Consider your future

Where should I put my head for the next part of my life? It is time to move on from the dingy office-admin-gov-reporting-stuffy atmosphere to something more free-roaming and challenging! I should not hesitate to crawl out of my little shell from here! *crawls slowly….*

*Leaves the shell…*

“creep to the mouth of the cave..*

the process of getting out of plato’s cave is an excrutiating one, becuase everyone around you will scorn “Why are you moving? Isn’t it a beautiful place? Isn’t it comfortable? Why suffer out there?” They will think that you are crazy and say discouraging stuff to make you gradually believe you are stupid too.

Then just at the moment when the tippy tips of our fingers were about to lift off from our old shell and depart and never come back, we cling on tighter, go back in and retreat. Deeper into the recesses than ever before. “Pull back!” our head screams. Our heart wrings in agony but the head doesn’t hear 😦

 

oh no!! Please do not let that happen to me. If Daryl can go off to New Zealand to pick cherries, so can I change my job. Compared to uprooting myself to down under to indulge in agricultural bliss, I think changing a job is a safe, sane and valid move on my part. (Though secretly inside I would love to pick cherries too.. I am so inspired by the travel shows on TV and I think I might just buy them off the rack if the series is available!)

 

Oh my goodness. I need a cheer to boost my ego and lighten my feet. I feel stuck, like my oversized boots are sinking into the murky mud. What a troublesome road life is!

 

I take that back. Love living, keep calm and have a gin fizz.

Always helps, especially when this one below is simply gorgeous:

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Room with a view

(An excerpt from my “Kiehls” diary)

21 August 2011. Happy anni[versary] to to Joel & me!! (: It’s the 21st again!! I am still using the acne cream and it is working so well that it is scary. it showed me all the white heads i didn’t even know i had.

Anyway i was standing at my living room in the dark, sneaking a pineapple tart because i was slightly ashamed of myself, and i looked out of the window and i saw a view. a narrow view constricted by neighbouring flats. a small view of a corner of someone’s life (mine) overlooking a parking lot, another flat and the road just beyond.

But when i turned my head higher, I saw the sky. it was about 12.30am and it was dark, but not quite fully black. I could see the clouds, dark red in colour.

it made me realize how we always looked at our own life from a narrow window. we think that all our misfortunes are so important, our joys are so important, that we are so important.

but we forget that [the] view from our window is just one of the many, many window [views] out there. we are small and powerless. but that isn’t depressing – it is actually so exciting that the world is so beautiful, mysterious and big. it will be a life’s adventure to experience everything.

and most of all, i feel comforted that there is a living God, who sees from all angles from all windows. I know, you think he is ignoring you because he has bigger things to do, but that’s not true. he is already working his magic in our lives.

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Magic triangle

These days I keep asking myself: what do i really want? I think a part of being confident is to be sure of what one wants; the other part is to be unaffected by everyone else’s opinions about it, and the last bit is to have the determination to pursue it.

So that’s how famous villains did it. They get so damn confident of their idea of perfection and the way things should be that they suffered no one in the way of realizing their dreams. Sheesh! I want to be that confident too! I’ll make a mental note to double check my goals with a trusted friend before proceeding though. I know you can’t please everybody, but surely someone who loves you will want you to chase dreams that are good for you (:

In my own Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, being confident is at the tip of my triangle. I love and hate naturally confident people; don’t you? You just love the way they are so fresh and energetic and alive to be with, and you hate that they make you feel so groggy and low in comparison.

So how do you shed this old face you put on for a show and cast away your sleepy thoughts?

Get out, sleepyhead! Jump out and wriggle about in the open in your own skin. Little by little, you will be happier becoming naturally you.

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